:Those who whine about parents and authority for too long invariably remain or become narcissists themselves. I say this after working with people on many levels, including in the jail, as a counselor, and as a confessor. It has been acceptable for some time in America to remain “wound identified” (that is, using one's victimhood as one's identity, one's ticket to sympathy, and one's excuse for not serving), instead of using the wound to “redeem the world,” as we see in Jesus and many people who turn their wounds into sacred wounds that liberate both themselves and others. ~Richard Rohr:
The struggle is real today.
I want to be better already...
This isn't an uncommon place for me to be. As I've said, I've given up on this road before. Lots of times. What I want to be writing about right now is other people. I'm sick of talking about myself. I'm sick of being vulnerable...and the worst part about it is that I realize I have remained "wound identified" almost all my life. I'm struggling against that today. It's pulling me in like the gravitational pull of a black hole.
And here's where it gets super crazy...
So grab a cup of coffee and ponder with me a while.
I feel this way because I WANT TO BE HAPPY. It's like I'm on this fence and I'm looking forward into healing and the future like YYEEEEEESSSSS girl, YES! You are making it!... Except I don't know how to get off this damn fence. I think it goes on for miles and miles. Miles of mountains and valleys. Miles of testing and danger. It looks like hard work...But it's exactly the adventure my heart is crying out for. I was built for this adventure. I am made to be wild and free.
On the other side of the fence is a barren field...full of poo. And the house that I've lived my life in. Even though I know...I mean, I KNOW I don't want to live there anymore, there is comfort there. My favorite warm fuzzy blanket is there, and can't I just take a day to snuggle up and just be ok?? Obviously, no. Snuggling up in my old house for a day isn't a thing that can happen. It's the voice of the victim inside me that seems so sweet and is inviting me in. She's really a bitch though. A monster. A wolf in sheeps clothing, if you will. Like the creepy fake mom with button eyes in Coraline. (If you haven't watched Coraline, you should just go do that.)
According to Wikipedia:
Victim mentality is an acquired (learned) personality trait in which a person tends to regard him or herself as a victim of the negative actions of others, and to behave as if this were the case even in the lack of clear evidence of such circumstances. Victim mentality depends on habitual thought processes and attribution.
Richard Rohr actually used the word whine...those who whine about being victims end up just being narcissists themselves. Wikipedia says it is a learned personality trait to be a victim. I agree with both of these thought processes. Here's my struggle...I don't know how to not be like this. It is as much a part of me as my blue eyes and blonde hair. I mean, I color my hair. But it keeps growing out blonde despite my desire for it to be dark. Just like I keep wanting to not live in my old house in Victimland, but it is still there. And no matter how far I think I've come it seems to be ever over my shoulder calling to me. Luring me back with the promises of the familiar and my favorite blanket.
I know how to be a victim.
I don't know how to be healed, and free, and whole.
It's sad...I'm sad today. I want to be happy. I want to be healed and free. I know God is calling me to be more than I've ever been and the truth is I don't know what that looks like. I've lived the life of a victim for so long, I have to completely relearn how to think and feel.
I have to learn to be ok with being ok...
It's just so much harder than I thought it would be.
:My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever. Psalm 73:23-26:
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