denial 101.

: We admitted we were powerless over ourselves and our lives had become unmanageable :

That isn't exactly the way it goes. Technically, Step One in the 12 step book says "over others" not ourselves. I picked this up in the codependency workbook I'm doing, and I like it. I believe both of these ideas are at work in all of us. We all have to learn that we can't control others through manipulation and dysfunction. I think it goes one step further for the codependent.  Not only can we not control others, we can barely control ourselves on the good days. I've been trying to think of a way to communicate these feelings that often overtake me... and I've just been struggling. How can words be adequate?

This week I had the opportunity to meet a little girl who was about 4 years old. I don't know her whole story, but I know she's been in and out of OCS and foster care most of her life. She is as cute and sweet as she can be, right up until something doesn't go her way. If she starts feeling threatened or panicked in any way, even if it's just the normal consequences of her bad choices, she will freak out. We're talking major meltdown. Looking down at my arm, I can still see the scratch marks and pinch marks she left on my skin...she kept yelling at me to leave her alone. To not talk to her. She attacked me both physically and verbally. As I was sitting with her in a corner trying to get her to settle down, I had this moment of clarity. This is what my feelings looks like. Sheer terror. Lack of control for myself.  Feeling like everything is spiraling out of control. It doesn't matter if my choices led me to the corner...I don't like the corner. I don't want to do what I have to do to get out of the corner. I lose control.

The difference between me the this four year old girl is that I've become better at not letting anyone see this is happening. Her response is complete. Internal and external meltdown. I've learned internalize everything. When you do that to yourself, feelings become unmanageable. They become the giants of your heart and mind. It's like feeding a Gremlin after midnight. Do you remember that movie??! Seriously traumatized me as a child. But such an accurate description of how feelings can consume me and turn me into something completely unexpected. And I'm just not talking "negative" feelings here. I tend to more often use "positive" emotions to help myself feel better...love, happiness, joy. There are so many things in this world that bring temporary joy. My vice has always been the new friendship/romantic relationship. It's so great to start over with no mistakes and just be the best version of yourself to that new person that doesn't actually know you. When issues arise, you try to deal with them. If that doesn't work easily, then on to the next temporary thing to make you feel better. 

Man...what a cruel way to love. 

I think what makes me saddest about this revelation is to know that this is the way the world is headed. I can think of SO MANY PEOPLE that function this way. It leaves you wondering if anything was ever real...If everything is always temporary. If anything sustains...There aren't a lot of people willing to go the distance these days. People that are willing to say, I will love you as the hot mess you are right now. I will love you through this affair. I will love you even though you hurt me. Moving on is just an easier way. We tend to take the cowards way out. I have been that coward far too many times.

Denying my feelings kept me in the corner of never really finding peace on the inside of myself. It held me in the torrent of an emotional storm that was destroying me. I am by no means out of the woods on this. Just last night I was driving home and I thought I saw my ex boyfriends truck driving down the highway. It was literally like a vice tightened around my heart and I was gasping for air. Why?...I haven't actually seen him in months and we've both clearly moved on. It's because it still makes me sad that it didn't work out. I could make an amazing list of all the reasons it didn't and shouldn't have, but the feelings remain. And instead of just pushing them away, I sat in my car for a long time asking myself and God what was happening. What was TRULY happening that struck me with that kind of panic. And the truth is, I'm just grieving that loss. I chose to invest my life in something that didn't work out. Seeing him would be a huge reminder of that. I took a deep breath, I said thank you to myself and God for the strength to walk away from that situation, I shed a couple tears, I admitted I was sad, and I let that panic go. And it left. Just like that.  

Denial would've kept that from happening. It would've looked more like this: That guy is a real asshole and he doesn't even deserve you! He did this, and this, and this to you! How could he do that! He didn't even love you. He didn't deserve your love. You were an idiot for ever giving him your heart. In fact, let's just forget any of that ever happened. Did you even love him? No. Are you even sad? No. Problem solved!...but we all know that I would've spent the whole evening Facebook stalking him and spinning in those negative emotions until I cried myself to sleep. 

As crazy as that sounds, I have literally had that conversation with myself more than I care to admit. AND IT IS CRAZY. 

So denial 101 is this...

Feel your feelings. 

Every one of them. 

What you're believing...that letting yourself feel everything will overwhelm you..is not true. Will there be moments of feeling overwhelmed? Yes there will be. They will pass. Burying and denying is what leaves you crazy. Acknowledging your feelings will bring you freedom. It will be your first step out of the chaos that is inside you. 


: Feel it. 
 The thing you don't want to feel. 
 Feel it. And be free. ~Nayarrah Waheed:

:We suffer to get well.
 We surrender to win. 
 We die to live. 
 We give it away to keep it. ~Richard Rohr: